What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:10
Was to survive, this bastard.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
How can you know if they are your twin flame and not limerence or obsession?
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
Why is my ex still keeping in touch with me even though she dumped me?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I waited trembling.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why has Biden pulled ahead in battleground states and is now projected to win the 2024 presidency?
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do people procrastinate and how can they stop?
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
What happens to single guys when they get older?
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is soul school!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My family never makes their pension either.
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But, we were locked up after school.